Pompey Memes At Crawley

The last time I was in Crawley I had a massive head ache, bruises from mosh pitting and a fairly catchy song named “On our way” stuck in my head. This time I’ve come back wet, richer and humming Kabamba’s new song*. 


After being so critical of my chauffeur arriving late to pick me up for previous friendlies, I was a bit of a cheeky git as I arrived at my mates 10 minutes later than I said I would. I blame Europcar, don’t ask questions.

We arrived at the garden shed, sorry Checkashite stadium just after 13:00 (GMT if you’re wondering) and I had been checking the odds on Pompey to win this fixture. I discovered they were fairly healthy so I attempted to place a bet on one of my apps, a pretty large bet too which made the game a lot more tense for myself than others, especially when we went a goal down.

After fannying about trying to place the bet I then went and collected my tickets from the two lovely ladies behind the ticket kiosk. On an off note – well done Crawley Town for making us all sign up to their database to buy tickets. No more Pompey fans in the home end for future fixtures!

I’m quite notorious for losing my paper tickets** even if it’s a short walk from the ticket office to the turnstile so I zipped it away in one of many many pockets I had attached.

Strolling round the side of the ground there were the usual Pompey keenos waiting to get through the turnstiles hours before kick off, each to their own, and further on round there was a small clubhouse selling booze!

Since I was with somebody who didn’t drink I had to resist the temptation to beg them to let me have a pint or six so we proceeded round to the burger van.

This burger van will live long in my memory for two reasons:

1) Their Mars bars were £1.50 – I had to remortgage to buy one


2) They were selling ‘sausage baguettes’ the size of my arm. Frankly these sausages were huge. I won’t make any jokes because jokes about sausages are the wurst.


Stupidly I didn’t get one and even more idiotic I purchased a Mars bar at the inflated price, what a wiener I am! To make it more authentic I wish the staff wore lederhosen.

Stood eating my burger which should have been a German sausage we watched a group of kids having a kickabout in an astro arena next to the ground. One kid was sporting a Pompey top from last season with Roberts 11 on the back.

Fingers crossed his parents dip into their pockets to fund him a new shirt as the club will need all the money they can get to pay Gary Roberts off for the money he’s so desperately clinging onto. Thanks for the contribution Gary but time to go.

Once through the characters*** that were the Crawley stewards body checking fans AT A FRIENDLY we took our seats in the stand that ran along the touchline rather than the terraces.

Usually terraces would be for me but I didn’t fancy standing for what I hoped would be a relaxed friendly. The Checkashite roofs might need a bit of investment as it seemed the one we were in was no different to a roof off a marquee.

Humorously two elderly ladies in the row in front where filming the players warming up and one of them zoomed in on Nicke Kabama’s arse as he bent over. She filmed him for a good 10 seconds as they snorted away to themselves. Her video will likely be for sale on all good soft porn sites tomorrow.

After squashing thoughts that Burgess was sat with Cookie in a pub up North sipping a Peroni we turned our attention to the line up.

Baker as CM excited me as he played really well in that position against Bournemouth and I actually thought I might warm to him as a player if he continued the way he finished vs the Cherries. He did well in what was a very underwhelming Pompey win. Very different from being dragged into a moshpit when Burgess nutted us into the autos.

Davies again for me was a worry and didn’t have the greatest of games. Not having his two preferred centre halves in front of him may have unsettled Luke McGee as he wasn’t confident coming for Crawley’s corners.

He also was favourite to reach a ball in a 1v1 but ended up being saved as Dennis**** cleared a ball off the line after McGee was done up like a kipper. Personally I’d chalk that game off for Lukey as I really rate him.

Maybe Andy Redman President and COO of the Tornante Group might fancy giving us a bit more dollar to get a third keeper and a new CM in before the window closes as he watched on from the directors box.

I will be brutally honest and say that Chaplin was poor and Naismith was non-existent first-half but saying that not many Blues players were that involved first-half as we failed to produce one shot in the first 45! Sometimes I wish we wouldn’t try and walk it in…

Chaplin you could argue didn’t have the service, but could have pulled the trigger on a couple of occasions.

Kyle Bennett on the other hand was beautiful, magical. When he ran down the wing I thought to myself “he’s as fast as lightning”. It was frightening.


Second-half was better and when Brett Pitman lashed the equaliser in my heart felt a little better as my cash out option had increased.

I was feeling even more relieved and horny when he dinked in the winner after Lalkovic played him through nicely. That winner will pay very nicely for my Oxford away day.

It was good to sit back and listen to the healthy sized Pompey crowd sing “To the Championship, we’re on our way” where it all began back in March.

Bring on Rochdale. We’re on our way back.



*YouTube Tequila by The Champs

**I have paper STs, wish me luck
***Gobby twats
****I can never remember if he’s Dennis-Holmes or Holmes-Dennis. So I’m calling him Dennis

Photos: James Catlin & Official PFC. Hot dog via Google!

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